Psalm 4:8 - Gina Zeidler - Mother's Day Collection Day 1
In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
If we were sitting across from each other, I would offer you a hug, look you in the eye, and say I’m sorry that you have to walk this road. Then I would ask you, how are you really doing? What do your days look like? Are there times the grief hits more? How are you sleeping?
In the months following my losses, and even now, if I am honest, sleep can be a struggle for me. Experiencing loss has taken what I believe and made me work through + wrestle through my faith. Even in falling asleep.
I’m the girl who loves to get things done, have wildly productive hours and really love the pace of a busy day; yet when it comes to rest, it’s a challenge. At first I thought I just needed the time alone, the quiet time away from the world moving, but then I noticed it was never really that. Most of the time I spent scrolling or binge watching more shows. Then one night the Lord brought to my attention the reason I have trouble falling asleep. “It’s because you don’t trust me. You are scared of me, sweet girl.”
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that during the constant movement of the day I felt safer, I felt like I was in control. But the second my head laid on that pillow, all the tension that loss/grief brings would lay on my chest and my mind couldn’t stop spinning.
“If He allowed that, will I wake up in the morning? What if our house gets broken into, How do I prevent that? What if someone asks if I am pregnant tomorrow? He allowed another loss, will he allow my sleeping 4.5 year old to wake the next morning?” All of these thoughts swirling in self-protection and lies from the enemy keep me from rest. For years I have believed the lie that if I can imagine and forecast and prevent the pain, I will be better prepared. Or never hurt this deep again. Have you been here? Are you here? Are you tired like me?
Friends, OUR GOD. He is so kind. Without shame or scolding, He opened my eyes to the lie that was keeping me in bondage and keeping me exhausted. The lie that “I have to hold it together” intensified after my miscarriages until His Grace met me.
I can say “NO. I don’t” to this lie now and speak the truth of Colossians 1:17, “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. He has reminded me that HE HOLDS it all together. This verse has been posted everywhere in my home. I am not God, He is. I wasn’t made to carry it all.
He created us humans to have limits, to NEED sleep for our bodies, minds and souls to function. He created us to live in a 24 hour time frame where a chunk of that is sleeping, resting, renewing. We literally can’t stay awake to hold it all together, and I can tell you, friend, that is a GIFT.
So now, nightly, I offer up my surrender. I claim this Bible verse when my heart is still weary from the loss and I don’t even know HOW to trust. He alone can provide my body peace to rest and I literally tell those swirling thoughts (as in they don’t always just go away) that I am handing them over to my King who is before all things and holds all things together.
Sister, I know this sounds simple. Yet, when life has been lost, and there is no understanding, it’s not natural to trust or surrender. I’ve been there, I still struggle here. Yet, can I tell you to just come to Him with your honest feelings? Wrestle with Him. Your fears of Him, of His plans verses yours? Tell Him you want to believe, but you are having the hardest time. He wants to hear your pure heart (ugly emotions and all), and He can handle it.
Gently, over time, in His kindness, faith will deepen. Your trust will start to be built again. Not by our power, but just by being in His presence. Open, vulnerable, at His feet; He will alone bring us into sweet peace.
So let me close with this prayer over you and I.
Lord, Thank you for sending Jesus so we can sit in this tension of unknowns and still sleep with expectation of who you are, Lord. Help us Hope in who you are. Help us Hope in whose we are. Our everlasting God, our Colossians 1:17 Father, who holds us all together.
Thank you for walking with us even when we are scared and we have so many questions. Lord, will you help us see your provision in the smallest of ways, will you bind up anxiety and fear and help each of us lean into you and know you more. And lastly, Lord, in your kindness, will you continue to free us of the lies that keep up captive and away from your amazing abundance. Meet us at our pillows and have us hand over what is weighing on us, to your capable care, and help us sleep in peace. We love you Lord.
Hi Friend, Ashlee here. Below is a song that I encourage you to listen to. I thought it would be a beautiful way to enter into worship as you begin your day and dwell on the Psalm above. Praying that you would feel the closeness and peace of the Lord as you walk forward today.