Not Two... but Three (My Story Part 3)
Shortly after my knee surgery I realized my period was late. It was exactly 5 days late. Because we knew my surgery was coming, we were not expecting much in terms of conceiving, let alone that we would find ourselves pregnant again. The night I realized I was late, I called the nurse at the pregnancy clinic I volunteered at to ask if I should be worried. I had been taking heavy doses of pain medication, I had just gone through surgery, and my body was still healing from the trauma. She explained late periods are normal since there tends to be blood loss during surgery. However, she suggested I test in the morning just to be sure. Well, I woke up the next morning, peed on the stick and not even 30 seconds later, that beautiful word showed up.
Oh man was I shocked. Nathan was shocked.
I cried, he smiled.
I started the what ifs, he stayed in the present.
Our life was about to change. Again. Our baby’s due date was June 15th, 2014.
That morning, I made an appointment to see a doctor to get confirmation and to talk about how I was pregnant and just had surgery 5 days prior. I was telling myself not to worry or stress. To relax. This is happening. There is no way this could be happening if the Lord did not want us to have this baby. It was finally His timing.
and it was perfect.
For 10 weeks I sat on the couch. Because I had to stop taking my pain medication, the healing in my knee was extremely slow. I had all the same symptoms as my last pregnancy. I scheduled our first ultrasound at 10 weeks.
November 18th, 2013.
That morning I woke up and just could not shake my discomfort. It was not so much a physical discomfort but rather a spiritual discomfort. My heart was worried. I knew something was not right.
Throughout this entire pregnancy, I was reserved. I did not cling tightly like last time. I accepted what was happening to my body and trusting the Lord to take care of this baby. However, I constantly struggled with not trusting Him to know what was best. I desperately tried to believe a miscarriage would not happen again. I had to choose to believe it.
The morning of our appointment, my heart could not shake the thought that we would not leave with good news and a picture of our baby. I told myself these were lies. I told myself the enemy was trying to shake me and break me down. I refused to let him in. I made sure to bring my scripture flip book I made so that I could pour scripture into my heart and mind. I needed to choose not to be worried or stressed.
I can’t begin to describe what this choice looks like. However, in my head, it is an active decision. Something I must physically (in my brain) turn my gaze toward. (does that make ANY sense).
Here is my journal entry from November 18th. The night before our appointment:
The next morning, we woke and headed to our doctor's appointment. This time, the doctor knew right away. There was no questioning or putting us off. She saw a baby measuring in at 8 weeks (I was suppose to be 10) and there was no sign of a heart beat.
I struggled to look at the screen and even now struggle to admit I saw my precious baby on the screen. Seeing her but knowing there was no life in her. Nathan kept his eyes locked on the screen. Asking if she was sure of what she was seeing. Asking if there could be some mistake. Unlike with our previous miscarriage where there was so much confusion, this time he knew what he was seeing. I knew his heart broke in that moment. Tears began to run down my cheeks and I buried my face in my hands, struggling to hold myself together. The fears confirmed and the what ifs swirling in my head.
My heart was broken once again.
The loss of a dream. The loss of a life.
She walked through the options and we of course decided to wait for it to happen naturally. However, I would be lying if I told you I did not heavily consider the surgical procedure. I knew the pain that would bring anguish and many tears. I did not want to experience that again. I could not. I knew our baby was not alive and I wanted it to be over. However, since I just had surgery, and it was so close to Thanksgiving, there was no time.
Looking back, I am thankful for the timeline that did not allow me to make such a rash decision.
We left the hospital and drove home in silence. I was not sure whether I would cry or just tell myself “I told you so”. We walked through the door and in that moment, my crutches could no longer hold me up. I fell to the ground and began to weep.
Nathan knelt down, scooped me up in his arms and cried with me. It was the most heart-wrenching moment of my life. It was something I had only ever seen on t.v. except now, I was living it.
We sat there, curled together, him silently shedding tears and me crying out and asking why.
Why would he bless us again only to take her away?
Why would he allow this happen?
Why isn’t my body good enough?
Why is this happening to us?
What seemed like a couple hours passed and we were both so exhausted we finally calmed down. I decided to call my dad and tell him the news. The conversation was short but my dad was sincere in his hurt for myself and Nathan. Next I called my mom. You see she was coming to visit the very next day and I simply did not know how to handle everything that was going on.
Moving cross country
Mom coming to visit
Thanksgiving with my family
It was all TOO much to handle. After that day I went into survival mode. I pushed my emotions aside and did what needed to be done. When questions were asked, I answered them in a professional manner. No emotion involved. It was what I needed to do to get through this second loss.
This was about as much as my heart could handle and process. It was about as much as I could handle to write:
Well, this week has been really tough. Of course you know we found out we miscarried again. I simply feel numb. I know I am still in the shock phase of the grieving process but it’s still so hard. I don’t understand at all and that frustrates me. I guess it was the same way last February. And though the healing process was very difficult I came to have at least a better understanding of why it happened. I am sure that will happen again. Glenda said something yesterday that really struck me.
She said it teaches you that these babies are never really yours to begin with. It teaches you surrender and laying down the thing that means the most to us in the entire world. It teaches you they were never really yours to begin with.
There is just so much to process though I still feel I have little to say. Father I need to be honest with you in that I am really struggling to trust in all that you are. Please bring me to a place of surrender and trust. I want to know this was in my best interest at this time of my life but it’s so very hard. Help me to understand Lord.
We spent Thanksgiving weekend up at my dad’s house and Thanksgiving night at 3am I began having cramps. I woke and told Nathan to keep sleeping. Thankfully I knew what to expect, so I started taking my pain medication days before so it would be in my system.
The pain was silent. Because I was at my dad’s house and it was the middle of the night, I knew I needed to control my emotions so I breathed and endured it. A lot. It was painful but doable. I knew what I needed to do to get through the night. The bathroom door was closed and Nathan sat outside the whole time. (I did not know this till after. I thought he was still sleeping)
The next morning, I woke and it was over.
Another baby. gone.
It was time to move forward. Life goes on and I knew I needed to as well.
Three weeks later, we packed up our house and moved cross country to Iowa.
I have to say, my emotions were not so out of control this time around. This time, I more or less shoved them down. I knew the thoughts, emotions I was having were mostly lies so I refused to let them take control.
This time it was not so much a battle for my heart. It was a battle for my mind.
We have had two miscarriages. We have lost three babies.
Isaiah and Grace. We have not decided to name our third.
How was I going to get through another loss? Another dream shattered?